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Joss Whedon + Star Wars = Awesome


A lot of Star Wars fans are pretty sure Disney is going to ruin Star Wars.  But, honestly, could Disney really do any worse than George Lucas already has?

Disney could, however, make the new Star Wars movies the greatest movies to ever be made.  How?

By making Joss Whedon the director.  Now, J.J. Abrams is a fine director, but he just doesn’t have what Joss Whedon does.

If you need convincing, allow me to present:

Exhibit A: A Boy with a Girl’s Name

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Anakin’s nickname is Ani.  No comments made.

Firefly – Episode 11: Trash

Jayne: Well, as a rule, I say girlfolk ain’t to be trusted.

River: Jayne is a girl’s name.

Jayne: Well, Jayne ain’t a girl! If she starts in on that girl’s name thing, I’ll show her good and well I got man parts.

Simon: I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. It’s just… It’s not coming.

Exhibit B: The Incredibly Powerful Foe is Currently (and Briefly) at Your Mercy

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

The Jedi Council knows that Palpatine is the Sith lord, and Mace Windu, with a couple others, have gone to confront him.  After a brief skirmish, Mace Windu has Palpatine at his mercy, but Anakin has other ideas:

Mace Windu: [has Palpatine subdued] I’m going to put an end to this, once and for all!

Anakin Skywalker: You can’t. He must stand trial.

Mace Windu: He has control of the senate and all the courts. He is too dangerous to be left alive!

Supreme Chancellor: [exhausted and disfigured] But, I’m too weak. Don’t kill me.

Anakin Skywalker: That’s not the Jedi way. He must live.

[Windu ignores Anakin, still intending to kill Palpatine]

Anakin Skywalker: I need him!

[Windu raises his lightsaber]

Anakin Skywalker: NO!

Supreme Chancellor: [Anakin draws his own lightsaber, cutting off Windu’s arm, then Palpatine electrocutes Windu] Power, unlimited power!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Season 5, Episode 22: The Gift

All season long our plucky heroes have been fighting Glory, a god who shares the body of a mortal man, named Ben.  When Glory is herself, she is extremely powerful.  When Ben takes control of the the body, however, Glory is dormant, and Ben is a normal man, who can be killed.  Buffy finally beat the crap out of Glory, who then transformed into Ben.

Ben: I’m sorry.

Buffy: Tell her it’s over.  She missed her shot.  She goes.  She ever, ever comes near me and mine again –

Ben: We won’t.  I swear.

[Buffy leaves]

Ben: I guess we’re stuck with each other, aren’t we baby?

[Giles enters]

Giles: Can you move?

Ben: She could’ve killed me.

Giles: No, she couldn’t. Never. And, sooner or later, Glory will reemerge and make Buffy pay for that mercy. And the world with her. Buffy even knows that, and still she couldn’t take a human life. She’s a hero, you see. She’s not like us.

Ben: Us?

[Giles suffocates Ben]

Exhibit C: The Awkward Confession of Love

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Anakin and Padme are apprehended on Geonosis in a foiled attempt to rescue Obi Wan.  The two would-be lovers are about to be brought into the gladiatorial arena:

Anakin: Don’t be afraid.

Padme: I’m not afraid to die. I’ve been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.

Anakin: What are you talking about?

Padme: I love you.

Anakin: You love me? I thought we had decided not to fall in love. That we’d be forced to live a lie and that it would destroy our lives.

Padme: I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. I truly… deeply… love you and before we die I want you to know.


The plucky heroes are barricading themselves against the Reavers, facing certain death.  Simon and Kaylee, who clearly like each other but haven’t gotten around to getting together, share this tender moment:

Dr. Simon Tam: In all that time on the ship… I’ve always regretted… not being with you.

Kaylee Frye: With me? You mean to say… as in sex?

Dr. Simon Tam: I mean to say.

Kaylee Frye: To Hell with this. I’m gonna live!

Exhibit D: Soliloquies about Violence

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Anakin just killed a group of Sandpeople in revenge for kidnapping and killing his mom, and now he’s crying to Padme about it.

Anakin: I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Season 4, Episode 12: A New Man

Spike, who can’t hurt people anymore because of a chip in his brain, just found out that he can still kill demons.

Spike: What’s this – sitting around watching the telly when there’s still evil afoot.  It’s not very industrious of you.  I say, we go out there, and kick a little demon @$$!

[Xander and Willow stare at him]

Spike: What, can’t go without your Buffy?  Is that it?  Too chicken?  Let’s find her!  She is the chosen one, after all.

[Xander and Willow are still staring]

Spike: Come on, vampires, errr!  Nasty!  Let’s annihilate them!  For justice and..er…the safety of puppies and Christmas, right?  Let’s fight that evil!  Let’s kill something!  Oh, come on!

Exhibit E: Asserting Who Is in Command

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Anakin has taken Padme back to Naboo, tasked with keeping her safe.

Queen Jamilia: In the meantime, we must consider your own safety.

Sio Bibble: What is your suggestion, Master Jedi?

Padme: Oh, Anakin’s not a Jedi yet; he’s till a Padawan learner.  But I was thinking-

Anakin: Hold on a minute.

Padme: Excuse me.  I was thinking I would stay in the lake country.  There are some places up there that are very isolated.

Anakin: Excuse me.  I’m in charge of security here, milady.

Padme: And this is my home.  I know it very well; that is why we’re here.  I think it would be wise if you took advantage of my knowledge in this instance.

Anakin: [Obviously angry, but makes great effort to control his anger.] Sorry milady.

Firefly – Episode 2: The Train Job

Mal and Zoe are still gone on a delivery, and haven’t returned at the expected rendezvous.  Jayne is demanding they leave without them, and the rest of the crew insist on waiting for them.  Unbeknownst to everyone else, Simon had doped Jayne to keep him from being in control of the ship.

Jayne: You know what the chain of command is?  It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ’till you understand who’s in ruttin’ command here!  Now we’re finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we’ll come back for those morons..got themselves caught…and you can’t change that by getting all…bendy.

Wash: All what?

Jayne: You got the light…from the console to keep you…lifting you up…they shine like…[Starts grabbing at the air] little angels… [Jayne falls flat on the floor.]

Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?

Simon: I told him to sit down.

Exhibit F: Pillow Talk

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Padme: We used to come here for school retreat. We would swim to that island every day. I love the water. We used to lie out on the sand and let the sun dry us and try to guess the names of the birds singing.

Anakin: I don’t like sand. Its rough and coarse and it gets everywhere. Not like you. Your skin is soft and smooth…[Anakin creepily strokes Padme’s arm]

Firefly – Episode 4: Shindig

Wash and Zoe are sharing some rare alone time.

Wash: Don’t fall asleep now.  Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone.

Zoe: It is not!

Wash: You’re acting captain.  You know what happens, you fall asleep?

Zoe: Jayne slits my throat and takes over.

Wash: That’s right.

Zoe: And we can’t stop it?

Wash: I wash my hands of it.  Hopeless case.  I’ll read a nice poem at the funeral.  Something with imagery.

Zoe: You could lock the door and keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.

Wash: Don’t know.  I’m starting to like this poetry thing.  “Here lies my beloved Zoe, my Autumn flower…somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross-” [Zoe hits him with a pillow]

In Conclusion:

Imagine what Star Wars movies would be like if they were actually well written.  There are so many hilarious lines from Joss Whedon’s shows that entire websites are devoted to them.

If Joss Whedon directed Star Wars, the universe might very well explode because it couldn’t contain that much awesomeness.

Then we would all be dead.

And there would be no more shows written and/or directed by Joss Whedon.

On second thought, maybe Disney was right.  Go J.J. Abrams!

What other reasons should Joss Whedon direct Star Wars?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!


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